The Late Birthday Appreciation Post + Nenkinan Unfiltered

A lot of you have always wondered what goes on in my life and head. Well here’s a taste of Nen unfiltered.

Its 26th September 2018 – four days after my birthday and I haven’t made a birthday post or appreciation for wishes. I’ll explain why but let me get to the appreciations first.

Thank you all for your massive show of love and support it means a lot to me. You most probably won’t understand why but I needed to hear those words. I promised myself to reply every birthday message on every social network including tags on post and it wasn’t easy but I think I did. Ya’ll were everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp (slept by 1am and woke by six thirty to about fifty chats which I replied only to be slapped by another 38 or so by 9:30am) and even phone calls I was at a training between 7:30 and 9 and I missed 15 calls.

To all those who sent me long essays reminiscent of my style thank you so much! I got so many titles I didn’t even know existed and I got info about some zones I didn’t even know I was inside.

But against the backdrop of all I wasn’t as excited as I expected – I had looked forward so much to the 20th year, but it came and all I felt was meh.

And then I began to reminisce. The 19th year was especially difficult for me and I don’t think I’ve had any like it. I went through various storms and emotional whirlwinds in that one year that I honestly didn’t think I’d made it. For up to half of the year I was depressed and it took only God to deliver me from that pit. I wonder how I didn’t get suicidal but my prayers were – I can remember vividly three nights of begging God to just reserve his oxygen only to wake up in the morning and hiss a loud hiss.

This is a very sensitive topic and if you know you can’t handle it, I’d advise you to stop reading now.

Why was I depressed? Well in retrospect some of the reasons seem lame but that’s because they’ve passed – in the heat of the season they were legitimate. I was depressed because I was seeking the meaning of life – it didn’t make sense to me that you lived only to die one day and that was it. I asked myself what it was worth. Some of my darkest days in that period was when the news of someone who wasn’t too old dying reached me. I’d ask God why this person with wife/husband and small children? Why this person who’s struggled through school and stressed to get an education? And I’d ask God why he didn’t take me instead since I was young and hadn’t done “much” – I reasoned (and ya’ll should forgive me) that if I died tonight, you’d all mourn but you’d move on from it soon all of you and at least somebody won’t have to grow without a husband or daddy. I asked God (and probably still do) not to let me get married if he won’t let me live to be in the 70’s and 80’s because frankly I still fail to understand why he does what he does.

Another depression source was I was tired of fighting. Those familiar with my story know how I have trod with a nasty left knee ailment for six years. It didn’t make sense to me again getting up, suffering and sleeping. I knew God’s grace was sufficient – it was evident in how I woke each morning with leg pain and slept with it but somehow survived the whole day’s activity but I was tired of a road without end and it extended to other parts of my life. If you know me, you know I love to have things under control and function as an A student but I was failing woefully in the “Keeping away from Sin and Temptation Class” especially sensual sin. I did all the do-able’s- restricted my TV and music consumption and listened only to Christian music, restricted my literature consumption which also meant cutting off my writing career in a way, filtered my friend list to only God glorifying and professing young people (which made me join the YWAP family – not in any way regretted), cut off male friends ( I came to a crude conclusion that boys my age only talked about soccer, money and girls in a bad way – a sentiment they try to prove everyday) but eventually found some worthy men of honor, took devotions and prayer seriously but after all that the devil still refused to sleep. My mind developed a mind of her own and always imagined things she hadn’t even seen – it’s crazy how creative God created our minds to be. And I’d get angry that I was failing again. I’d pray a short prayer of confession and force the thought out but before you know it – it was back and sometimes I’d let it play before hitting stop. My mind started playing games whenever in the company of sisters and I’d always be tensed and as distant and conscious as possible then chastise myself after – I had done everything to avoid objectifying women and yet here was my sinful nature at play.

I asked God why I had to fight and win today only to wake up and fight tomorrow again. And at a point I felt I couldn’t persevere long again – I felt (and something still says) that when it comes to the battle with sexual purity I’m going to fail soon. And that made me depressed. I asked God why he liked making things hard. Asked him what was so hard in removing sexual organs and hormones and only activating them when the time was right at which he would by divine command (to both parties) join a man and woman for reproduction but again God didn’t answer. Then stories started coming of men of God who had failed in this area and I became scared that after all I was doing for God and the Jesus every day I was going to fall great like Bill Cosby.

Then another source of depression came – pressure and expectations. I started feeling suffocated by the pressure everywhere from all directions – spiritually people were looking up to me because they felt I had it figured all out (and I still don’t) I started wishing I wasn’t a writer with a God given voice. In family, school and life generally there was so much pressure. And the pressure came with fear – fear that I was going to fail and fall and there is nothing I fear more than falling – I fear it more than death which was partly why I wanted to die now that I haven’t reached anywhere. I still haven’t overcome that fear.

Another thing was I had just come out of a nasty breakup from a relationship I shouldn’t have been in the first place. Toxicity drove me to a breakup but it had serious reparations. I love communion with people and involvement with them but then after the breakup the person refused to talk to me and blocked me out and I really hated it. Coupled with that many of the people I poured out my life, time, energy and resources into especially in secondary school stopped talking to me. And it hurt me because I was connected to them but them not wanting to talk plus the feeling of my “waste” of investment in their life was overwhelming (God eventually showed me I only did the right thing and we love because he first loved not because they deserve it) – I felt used and dumped and I value relationships deeply.

These and other factors all lies from the devil drove me into a pit of depression so deep I doubted I’d ever come out of it. Days turned to weeks to months of darkness. It was like I was drowning under the sea and I had a gas mask – Gods word and promises – all I needed to do was inhale every moment but I didn’t want to keep inhaling because help and rescue weren’t coming and I was tired of the effort of still breathing.

I won’t say I’m fully out of the ocean now and none of us really are but I’m not as deep under and God’s grace is sufficient.
I wrote this for all of you who feel you’re already six foot under and the grave only needs to be covered. For those of you going through dark depressive seasons of gloom. I didn’t give any solutions and I did on purpose because depression varies for all of us and what I did to get out won’t help you but there’s a constant in all of us – Jesus.

So the only thing I’ll say is turn and keep your eyes upon Jesus. It won’t be easy. Sometimes you’ll lose sight, others like Peter you’ll become too aware of your immediate circumstances but our heads to the sky and eyes on the prize is the only way out.

And remember it’s not over till it’s over yet. It will feel like you will die – I swear if you could sadden and depress yourself to death I would have died already – but after Friday Night, Sunday morning would surely come.

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16 thoughts on “The Late Birthday Appreciation Post + Nenkinan Unfiltered

  1. Hiiii

    So first off, since I wasn’t part of the HUGE clan that wished you a happy birthday…by the way, quite popular aren’t ya? 😉, a big happy birthday in arrears to you.

    I enjoy the tone of this write, but I’m sure that is because I generally enjoy blog posts which are personal. I could relate with some much you said here, with depression because of not just understanding the point to life, sensual temptations, since we are calling it that, and for now, I don’t have the strength to fight. I fight, and I fight, and I fight, and I still get sucked in, so for now, I’m not. I might fight tomorrow, or I might never. I am still seeking answers.
    I’m still in a loop, and I fear I might never get out of it.
    As for your nasty breakup, I hope you’re healing, I can relate much about not wanting to be blocked out, especially in a relationship I’ve invested myself in. In a timely manner, it emotionally, I would hate it it if felt like the feelings I had were not mutual. I however comfort myself that it is only for a while, and that it always passes.

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  2. Waow, I felt this post on another level. You know, I used to question God why he let me start my blog only to be bombarded by people who think you have it 100% under control. Meanwhile deep down I really know I don’t really have much together. God’s grace is literally keeping me together. And when I cry to God and ask him why he would even think to choose to use someone messed up like me, I feel his presence even more and I’m reminded that God does not use us because of our abilities or readiness but rather because he is God. He does not need perfect people to do his work. I’m reminded of Smith Wigglesworth, one of the greatest workers of healing and deliverance in our time. He raised so many from the dead, delivered so many from cancer and etcs. Yet he suffered with kidney stones and used to leave the church cause he would bleed through his pants. And his daughter was also deaf. Plus he wore glasses. Yet, in his total imperfections, God used him tremendously! I’m also reminded of Derek Prince. Another one of the greats!!! He suffered from chronic depression. Yet he was and is still one of the greatest ministers of our time. He later got delivered but the reason I’m giving these examples is, we will never be perfect enough for God to use us. He doesn’t need us to be perfect. We will never understand everything. But he chooses who he chooses and He uses who he uses. If you are called, expect these afflictions. I have come to see them as the effect of working for God. Our reward is in heaven Deshi! Be encouraged. I know how you feel😊. Happy birthday once again🙌🏾✨

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  3. Wow there’s so much to be depressed about. But God’s got us. I’m glad you’re slowly past this and moving on to beautiful things. Happy 20th, I wish you an amazing adulthood with a billion reasons to smile every moment

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  4. This tab has been open on my browser since your birthday, just reading it now. The Lord is your strength Nen. I learned something a while back, that life may not always give you what you want, but what you always think about will eventually come your way. So it helps to try not to think of your fears all the time and focus on the positives and the blessings. Bless fam.

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  5. My eyes glistened with tears while I read this. It felt like you were telling my story even better than I would have told it- really expressive and totally honest. Just like yourself, I got tired of asking questions I thought were never answered but I was missing the point the whole time because my mind was fixated on a certain pattern; I had put God in a box and healing for me was “it’s either this way or nothing”. But Isn’t God so amazing? He does things in ways we cannot comprehend and I love how you wrote that Jesus is the constant in all of us because indeed he is. I’ve watched him constantly pull me out of this dark hole in amazing ways and through awesome people/relationships. I read articles, talk with people, attend seminars on mental health and all but accepting the unconditional love of God and his goodness constantly make me whole. (I realized this at YWAP BOOTHCAMP 2018).
    There are still dark days but I make a choice daily by the help of God to feel alive and find purpose in him. Every time I feel low, I remember that nothing can separate me from his love, I remember the promise of the Holy Spirit as a guide, a counselor and a comforter, I remember that love casts out all fear and that love personified is God. Then the songs Excess Love and Reckless Love come through!
    Is the process slow and excruciating? Yes but in the crushing and pressing, God is making a new wine; my hope is built on this.
    Thank you for being my voice; this is an experience I feel reluctant to share or even write about. Perhaps this post may cause me to write too.
    May your life be filled with so much love and light. Happy 20th! 🎉🎂
    Blessings! ❤️

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    1. Awwn Cherry thanks for the long comment

      Ahh the overwhelming never ending reckless love of God. Asides the lyrics of Amazing Grace I don’t think truer words have been said!

      I’d love to hear your story one day and how God helps you win small battles

      You were at boothcamp and I didn’t see you. Lol. Nvm. I didn’t know you. I hadn’t slid into and hit wall to your dm.

      And thanks for the birthday blessings now you know my age 😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, I didn’t see you too but we have many more boothcamps to attend, maybe General House Meetings too. I’ll write someday I hope.

        Remember to call me Aunty Coco, capish?

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