Hello FAM, it’s another month again! So fast! It’s the eight month and 2019 is speeding up just around the corner (I’m so excited about 2019. Nods in Nigerian).
So this month. I have been drawn once again into the relationship doctor mode and todays post is about being Vivid and clear with others especially those you love. Sorry it’s gon be random thoughts.
However I’ll talk of being vivid even in Friendships.
I’ve known a lot of people who have made mistakes and want to change to what they now perceive to be the right way (right is relative BTW). But they don’t make the change because they already have a so called ‘identity’ or ‘image’.
I have a charge for you this evening, go out and make the change – live your new life. They won’t understand (P.T Barnum voice😀😀) but eventually they have to accept you for who you are – the new you and if they don’t then well move on.
There’s 7.2 Billion people on the global village called Earth find someone else(🚶🏿♂🚶)
Now that I’ve gotten that out the way. Let me attack the clarity issue.
Clarity is very key in friendships. There is no messed up situation as where you want to tell your friend something but won’t for fear of the friendship suffering a cardiac arrest.
Natasha has a friend Ashley. Ashley makes a decision or begins to exhibit an attitude Natasha doesn’t like and everyone else is talking to Natasha about it since they feel Natasha is closer to her. Natasha doesn’t say anything till one day she and Ashley are together and Ashley does the annoying thing. Natasha sparks at once with all the pent up words. Ashley counter sparks and yada yada the rest is history.
For this situation I will say only one thing with the ancient words of Uncle Paul:
“Do everything in love” – 1 Cor. 16:14
There is a diplomatic way around everything and a loving method find it and use it.
Let me counter scenario the former scenario.
Natasha has a fried Ashley. Natasha notices a bad attitude or character Ashley begins to exhibit and only waits till she is sure before she addresses it. She initiates a friendly calm discussion with Ashley and tries to explain why she feels Ashley is wrong. Ashley probably agrees or disagrees on the spot but she is sure to think about it and is more likely to mellow down since her friend confronted her.
In relationships now. There are so many stereotypes popular culture and the ever mutating standards preach to us (like the speed of change is just bad). Some are. “If you like a girl. Don’t tell her too soon”, “If you like a guy don’t tell him or he’ll disrespect you” I can’t remember others but this is what pop culture tells us. My question is why? Why all these things? And why can’t we decide our own standards?
Let me paint a scenario.
Natasha likes Jerome. She doesn’t want to tell Jerome because everybody says it reduces her image and makes her look cheap which can all too well end in Jerome playing her and breaking her heart. But Natasha shows Jerome “Green Light🚦”. By Green light I mean she always talks to him and enjoys his company while dropping very shady hints. Jerome misses the green light (him na learner!😐😐). She soon becomes no longer enamoured with him and then poof friendship briefly drifts and breaks.
Let me paint a better picture of how I think this should go.
Natasha likes Jerome. She takes some time to be sure it isn’t infatuation and notices it’s becoming a constraint to communication (on her side though). She decides to be clear with Jerome and tells him. Jerome in mature fashion handles the issue (see Driver with Ph.D.😎😎). It either leans towards a relationship or the friendship endures a small awkward patch and continues.
I feel this second scenario is better. Now I’m not saying it will always work out this way and every Jerome will be mature. In fact many of them will actually take advantage of Natasha, exploit her emotions and then break her heart but then that is where discernment and wisdom comes in.
Before Natasha likes Jerome she should know the kind of guy he is. Player or keeper. If he is a player of ‘bahd boy’ she should everything to tell herself to stop even if it means slapping herself back to sense (I wish mirror on the wall was real and offered relationship advise with big arms like from Beauty and the Beast that can slap you if you need it. Sorry just imagining). But when Jerome is a nice guy who actually has sense I don’t see why be vague and risk the friendship. It goes vice versa to Jerome.
The next thing I will say is not every friendship is meant to become a relationship and we need to be careful to know which is which.
Some friendships we’re meant to be friendships for life from start to finish full stop. Some are meant to turn to relationships. We need to be wise to know which is which and act as according. For more on this just read the book that’s inspiring all this talk: “Boundaries in Dating” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
I just wrote this because honestly clarity is important. I don’t know why it’s so scary to us. I like the old days when honesty was easier. There’s something I do. If I know I can’t tell a friend something, I actually type a letter and send an email or do a hand written one (I’ll attack social media relationships another day). A wise friend recently said, “We ain’t kids no more. We’re growing old. It’s time to stop playing around”
Today tell somebody what you really feel and spare yourself future stress.