Hello dear Blog readers and WordPress family. Welcome to my blog this month! Wow the first three months actually marched quick (pun intended). Read, comment and share.
I’ve struggled deeply for day’s even weeks to get the right words to write this. I want to come out as deep and inspirational because I feel this deeply but I’m not really a deep person but I’ll try all the same.
Pain is part of what it means to be human – it’s part of us. Sometimes I wonder why whoever created the acronym ‘Mr. Niger D’ refused to add pain because I feel pain is also part of our experience as humans – its integral even. Pain is felt by almost every living thing – if you need proof look for videos on you tube on how monkeys and other mammals mourn their lost ones.
Some pains are deeper than others. I’m not one of those people that believe that we all feel pain equally shit it’s a lie! We all face pain yes but in different measures and proportions. But the sad part of pain is we must get over pain or is it the good part? I call it sad because most times the problem doesn’t get resolved we must get over it and move on but good because moving on is quintessential.
Last month I had a real experience with pain and I felt it in a different dimension. If you know me well you should know the problem I face with my left knee. Well the last time I saw the doctor was in 2016 partly because I didn’t want to go through the trauma of getting a null diagnosis again. Last month I finally nerved up and convinced my mom to do the same. In the one week leading to the hospital visit I built up hopes in me of how they’ll finally have an answer to the thorn in my flesh and I even mentally visualized probable surgery and then recovery. Then we got to the hospital and the doctors told me what they told me two years ago – to wait and hope I’ll outgrow it. My world shattered – I nearly burst into tears there in fact I had to stop talking to keep the tears from falling.
That night at home I was struck with a different kind of pain which only climaxed my depression. I felt the pain of knowing I would have to endure this thing for a long while again. The pain of knowing my restricted life would only continue and the pain made me a beast. I became angry and frustrated and didn’t shy from pouring that on people. I said things to my friends that ruined some of my relationships, I was harsh to everyone except my parents of course. I didn’t want to be nice and even more I didn’t want to live anymore like that.
But I had a Eureka moment not that I was searching for answers. A revelation moment. Something inside me asked me a question: “And so what? That’s all? Really?”
I thought through again. Yes I had problems but was suicide an option? No it wasn’t, was self-pity going to help? No it wasn’t. Was whining to papa in the sky going to bring about immediate change? No it wasn’t. Then something within me I can’t quite explain whispered into my soul
“Just do it. Get up and thrive”
Suddenly an almost six month battle with depression started to de-climax and I began to see things clearly. My faith was revived. My writing ginger that had been null for three months woke up. I stopped viewing life in the black and white I had become accustomed to and began to see the whole spectrum – I began to live again. Not at once but gradually.
After last month’s blog post (read here), I convinced my heart to take a shot and chance at the whole love drama again and I did. It didn’t work out but my heart was happier than broken. Why? Because it was a sign of growth and moving on. I was proud that I could even try again.
Did I write this blog post just to share my story? No But I’m writing this deeply to connect to your souls and meet you where you are. We are all feeling pain as I write – for some its physical incessant pain like mine, for some is the pain of broken dreams that can’t be accomplished any more, for some it’s the pain of broken relationships, hearts and marriages, for some it’s the pain of loving someone who doesn’t love them back, for others especially my brothers in Plateau State it’s the pain of seeing your loved ones fall to the sword of Nomads and not being able to do anything about it. All of these are legitimate forms of pain and I feel your pain I do.
But woe to us if we remain stuck in one place because of pain and depression – we must move on.
If anybody were to consider my proposal and add a P to Mr. Niger D, another M must be added too to include moving on. Moving on is hard and not easy. It seems impossible. Sometimes you start but then the past draws you back but moving on is like eating gwote – when you see gwote you seldom actually want to eat it but when you take the first spoon the rest is history. I’m not being religious here today I just want to inspire somebody to move on and thrive. On the day after my bad checkup I saw the news of Steve Hawking’s death and how he thrived for 50 years with ALS beyond his expected date of death and I was inspired. The lives of many other people who go through more than me also inspire me. I can say for those of us who live in pain we also have a great cloud of witnesses to draw inspiration from and run.
As I type this my knee sends a sharp pain but I am telling myself unconsciously you must thrive and move on. Despite this, you will survive. To all my people in the painful season I see you. Have faith and get back up.
Run even when the wind is against you and one day probably it will be okay but even if it doesn’t get okay, you’ll be proud to know you still fought.
I don’t claim to be a master of pain but this is my story and I hope it helps you. Will you also share yours?
Thank you for reading. Over and out.